A good chat isn’t about saying all the right things, it’s about how you’re there for someone. Young people can tell right away if a conversation feels too tense. If there’s too much pressure, they’ll shut down. These 4 conversation tips help you keep things light and real — without making it feel like a big deal.
1. Pick a calm moment, not when emotions are running high
The best conversations don’t happen when you say, “We need to talk.” They happen while you are doing something together. A good moment might be:
- On a walk, with the dog, for example
- Cooking or washing dishes together
- On the road in the car
- While doing a job around the house
Less nice is:
- Conversations when someone is already tired or overstimulated
- An unexpected conversation at a busy time
- A serious announcement (“Sit down, we need to talk”)
A low-tension moment takes the emphasis off the conversation and creates more space for openness.
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2. Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’
Saying “you” can feel like pointing fingers, even if you don’t mean it that way. Young people might shut down or get defensive.
Sentences that work better:
- I notice you seem tense
- I see that school takes a lot of energy from you
- I’m a little worried because you’re getting so little sleep
Avoid sentences like:
- You’ve been getting angry so quickly lately
- You just need to plan a little better
- You’ve been acting different lately
When you talk from your own experience, you make it easier for a young person to talk, without feeling judged.
3. Drop pauses
Silence isn’t awkward, it’s part of the process. Sometimes young people just need a moment to find the words or figure out how they feel.
Important to remember:
- Don’t fill in silences too quickly
- Don’t repeat the same question right away
- Literally give space by waiting
A pause doesn’t mean things are going wrong. It might be the moment a young person decides to speak up.
4. Reflect instead of asking questions
While follow-up questions are a natural part of conversation, they may come across as intrusive or interrogative. Reflective listening, on the other hand, creates space and acknowledges the young person’s experience.
Examples of reflections:
- That sounds like a lot is going on at the same time.
- I can imagine that is a lot.
- It is logical that this causes stress
- I understand that this affects you.
You don’t have to analyze everything. Simply listening and reporting what you hear is often enough.
When is it time for extra attention?
Some signals indicate that a young person is at risk of getting stuck, for example:
- Worrying a lot or sleeping badly
- Avoiding school or dropping out
- Change in eating behavior
- Withdrawal from social activities
- Frequent headaches or stomach aches without an obvious cause
One signal doesn’t tell the whole story. But a pattern can be a reason to calmly open the conversation.
How @ease can help if you can’t find a way in yourself
Sometimes a young person wants to talk, but not with someone from their immediate environment. Not because they don’t trust you, but usually because they don’t want to burden you. It is then simply easier to talk to someone further removed from the situation.
At @ease, young people are helped by peers. We call this our peer-to-peer approach, and it is unique in the Netherlands. Young people feel safe, seen, and heard because they talk to someone their own age who doesn’t immediately give a diagnosis but simply listens. As a result, they experience space and recognition, gain more insight into their own feelings, and discover how to better deal with stress, uncertainty, or gloominess. This works preventatively and prevents them from struggling with complaints longer than necessary.
@ease is then a great first step. Conversations at @ease are:
- online or live at a location
- Free
- no appointment or referral required
- no waiting list
- conversations are 100% confidential
We do not provide a diagnosis, there is no registration, and no pressure. Only someone who listens and calmly thinks along.
Here you will find an overview of our locations and opening hours. The chat is open every weekday.