A good chat isn’t about saying all the right things, it’s about how you’re there for someone. Young people can tell right away if a conversation feels too tense. If there’s too much pressure, they’ll shut down. These 4 conversation tips help you keep things light and real — without making it feel like a big deal.
1. Pick a calm moment, not when emotions are running high
The best talks don’t start with “We need to talk.” They happen when you’re just doing something together. Great moments could be:
- On a walk, with the dog, for example
- Cooking or washing dishes together
- On the road in the car
- While doing a job around the house
Less nice is:
- Conversations when someone is already tired or overstimulated
- An unexpected conversation at a busy time
- A serious announcement (“Sit down, we need to talk”)
A low-voltage moment takes the focus off the conversation and makes room for genuine openness.
2. Use ‘I’ instead of ‘you’
Saying “you” can feel like pointing fingers, even if you don’t mean it that way. Young people might shut down or get defensive.
Sentences that work better:
- I notice you seem tense
- I see that school takes a lot of energy from you
- I’m a little worried because you’re getting so little sleep
Avoid sentences like:
- You’ve been getting angry so quickly lately
- You just need to plan a little better
- You’ve been acting different lately
When you talk from your own experience, you make it easier for a young person to talk, without feeling judged.
3. Drop pauses
Silence isn’t awkward, it’s part of the process. Sometimes young people just need a moment to find the words or figure out how they feel.
Important to remember:
- Don’t fill in silences too quickly
- Don’t repeat the same question right away
- Literally give space by waiting
A pause doesn’t mean things are going wrong. It might be the moment a young person decides to speak up.
4. Reflect instead of asking questions
While follow-up questions are a natural part of conversation, they may come across as intrusive or interrogative. Reflective listening, on the other hand, creates space and acknowledges the young person’s experience.
Examples of reflections:
- That sounds like a lot was going on at once
- I can imagine that was a lot
- It is logical that this causes stress
- I understand this has affected you
You don’t have to analyze everything. Simply listening and reporting what you hear is often enough.
When is it time for extra attention?
Some signals indicate that a young person is at risk of getting stuck, for example:
- Worrying a lot or sleeping badly
- Avoiding school or dropping out
- Change in eating behavior
- Withdrawal from social activities
- Frequent headaches or stomach aches without an obvious cause
One signal doesn’t tell the whole story. But a pattern can be a reason to calmly open the conversation.
What you can do as a parent or teacher (without pushing)
A listening ear and a small moment of recognition often works better than a big conversation.
Name what you see:
- I see you find it hard
- I notice you’ve been a little quieter lately
Let the young person take control:
- Do you want to talk about it now, or would you rather talk about it another time?
Normalize their feelings:
- It’s understandable that you feel this way. It’s also a lot.
Be patient
Don’t give them tips or solutions, don’t say “you just have to”